Delving Deeper

I did OK today. I did some research for the two-story ideas that I came up with yesterday. But between exercising them working on jewelry orders, I had no time to do anymore planning. I'm really trying to stop the excuses. The more I make them, the deeper the rut seems to get. The bigger the block.

It is sort of like exercising. You procrastinate, and a bitch and moan. But once you get that first day done and over with it, soon becomes routine.

"It is far more difficult and more painful to be a blocked artist than it is to do the work." Boy does that ever ring true for me. Every day that goes by when I don't write, every subsequent page in this journal that I intend to report but I talent than any new writing, shreds my fucking soul. I hate having to keep saying that – it's nauseating.

I haven't completely worked through the reasons why I haven't been writing. Maybe that's why I can't seem to move forward.

Am I being too hard on myself? Or I am just acting pathetically – full of excuses, never changing, making no progress.

Some one save me! Hug me or slap me – which do i deserve more?!

For now, I will let it all go. Tomorrow is another day.

In terms of The Artist's Way, I've sort of broken the reading deprivation part of the exercises. I feel alright about it though. At this point, anything that can inspire me is a good thing. And reading definitely does that for me. So do movies and music. So, I don't feel too guilty about it. It sounds like a good idea, though. And I can definitely see myself using it as a tool at some point when I really need it. But right now, when I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough, it would be completely the wrong time to stifle an sort of stimuli that can help me.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow!

The old me. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I usually daydream. And I almost always remember them. But lately, there is nothing. No silly daydreams, no nighttime ones either. I think I will start a new ritual when I write. The most important being turning off the tv! I have gotten so used to having it on in the background as a sort of companion, but it has turned into more of a distraction – and it is so easy to get sucked into some lame movie or crappy reality show.

The other thing I am finding to work really well is to go sit out on the balcony with a pen and some paper, lighting some incense and a few candles, and being able to really be alone with my own self. It makes me feel like I am ok to be alone with my own thoughts; that I shouldn't be afraid of what goes on in my head – that is who I am and the people who matter to me – well, hopefully they will love me – warts and all.