Heart & Soul

The more I try to plan out the plot for my new story, the more questions I seem to come up with.  I'm trying to create the backstory upon which the entire story will be based; the rules of this new world, and trying to come up with a way to weave both into the story seamlessly and in a no-boring way. That would be nice. To write something "non-boring"!

Sometimes I think I just overplan things.  I guess it helps in one way – so I have a basis on which to start. But other times, all the over-planning sort of takes the wind out of my sails.

I guess because I've been out of practice for so long, each step in the process of writing a story is daunting to me now. And I've put so much pressure on myself now that I'm afraid of "making a mistake".

I know not every word has to be perfect – that editing is the real stage of shaping and making real sense of the ideas in the story.  But I still can't help but feel that I just have to get it right the first time because of all this time I've spent away from it, doubting myself.

I'm also finding that the more I try to plan it all out, the further I get from my original concept – which just confuses me and makes me want to give up.

Distractions seem to be my biggest problem right now.  I'd like nothing better than to have a writing room to escape to – to shut the door, put on some music and just WRITE – with no worries about what time it is, do I have to start fixing dinner, am I being selfish writing when Chris is at work making money to pay the bills, oh shit – I haven't done my daily workout yet, and the walls in this bachelor apartment are so paper thin that I can hear the losers next door fighting.

I wish I could just ESCAPE right now. Have a cottage by the lake with no one around but me.  Unfortunately, my only escape is either my own head (and with a little help from my headphones) or a previously pigeon-shit covered balcony in the blazing sun that gives me a migraine.

I wonder if other writers find it this difficult at times.  Does every moment spent NOT writing feel like a moment wasted?  Every demand on your time for something other than writing make you feel more desperate, more determined, more hostile?

The only good thing I find in these intense feelings is that the passion within me to write is fierce again. That has to be a good thing.  Of course, it could also drive me to the brink of insanity.

I just don't want to be this way forever. Stuck in these moments of frustration.  I want to move forward, for something to give. For my brain to follow what my heart & soul are starving for. It isn't fame. It isn't fortune.  It is to share my thoughts, to connect, perhaps to inspire others to follow their own passions.