Flip-flopping

Having another one of those manic-depressive days. One minute, I was all gung-ho about writing. But once I sat down to actually write – nothing would come to me.I was getting more angry and depressed with each passing minute.

I know I can’t expect my creativity to be on tap 24-7. But in those times that I want to write but can’t find the words – they become so frustrating and allow all those old negative feelings to resurface. 

How can I know whether it is just a lull or whether I’ve lost my ability? Right now, every word I write – whether I feel they are good or bad – is a victory for me.So, in comparison, every day that I just can’t seem to find the words, ANY words, I feel like I’ve failed myself.

I’m so caught up in the mix that I can’t tell if I’m blowing it out of proportion or if my reservations are founded.All I can do is keep trying and eventually the words will come.

It’s easy to say that now, but in the moment wh1n I am sitting there with pen to paper and nothing comes, it’s so hard to talk myself out of that rut and convince myself that even though I’m having one bad day, it will pass.

Every day it is all I think about, Waiting to write (after doing ‘real work’ or cooking dinner or cleaning up), trying to find the right words to describe the picture in my head.

It’s past 2am and I have a bad headache now from all this worry and I am ready for sleep.Some nights, I dread going to sleep – only because I want to stay up and write – but I also know I don’t want to spend the next day dragging around. 

Tonight, anyway, my head, heart & body are exhausted enough that I can’t think of anything else but the pillow.