Consciousness

I have been thinking about doing The Artist's Way again. Depending on how you feel about these sorts of things, you might think it sort of corny, or new-age/hippie, or just not your thing. But when I did it the last time, I discovered some things about myself, both directly and indirectly related to my feelings toward myself and my art, that really helped. I'm talking, "A-ha!" moments. And also some, "Hmmmmmmmm…..I see," moments.

Because honestly, I am starting to slip into one of those funks again where nothing is satisfying; days, even weeks are flying by and I don't even know what I did with my time except anything OTHER THAN take time for myself.

It's either making new designs, or updating the site, or marketing, or working on a new layout that will propel my brand to the next level, sourcing suppliers, promoting myself here, there and everywhere I can think of to get more sales, more SALES, MORE SALES! When it isn't me staying up until 4am working on those things, I am working on writing projects to pay the bills (and although they are somewhat creative, still business related); or doing the billion household things that I have been neglecting; or getting down to the gym to work off the sloth-like tendencies that come from working from a computer or sitting down & designing all day. Or I am lying in bed for a few hours, my mind churning, replaying everything I did today, and how I can squeeze everything I failed to do into tomorrow.

Then – when I am finally able to claw through all those obstacles, my next battle is between the guilt I feel for spending all day "just writing" when Chris is out at a "real" job and the fact that all these pressures and expectations have completely sucked away any faith I had in my talent in the first place.

By now, it's been years since i've written anything for my own enjoyment, and now I have hills upon mountains of self-doubt to climb in order to find that spark within myself again.

I know I can write. And yet I can't.

And the worst thing is I will see someone I haven't seen for years and the first thing they ask is if I am still writing and when I say, "Nooooooo, I haven't done that for a while, man" – with that long, drawn out, dejected sigh in the middle because I know I used to live for every moment I spent writing but now it's always "I haven't had the time, " or "What relevance do my little stories have to anything at all" – and then I'll tell myself I really have to "get back into it" – but never do.

So, I was thinking that, if for nothing else, I should do the exercises in The Artist's Way again, so at least I can say I am taking some small amount of time each day for myself. Because honestly – if I don't, I will surely slip back into that pit of depression where nothing brings me joy; nothing is worth doing; I avoid everyone – though there is no one to avoid because I have managed to remain a shut-in for I don't know how many years now and have no friends to avoid in the first place – literally! – and I am just not living.