I’m Convinced

I found a comment on my journal that I hadn't seen before.  In the entry, I was questioning whether I was any good at writing, and the person said something along the lines of my worrying too much about what others thought and that if I wnted to make money, I might have to write what is popular 0 which wouldn't necessarily be in line with what I wanted to write.

Today, it sank in.  That my focus has been on how I would be perceived by what I write, and the impression my writing would make on others.  The longer that I use that as my motivation, the longer I will write crap – or not write anything at all.  It's the same with the people who I confide in about my writing.  It's almost as if I am thinking to myself, "Man, I really need to write something so I can say I wrote something, or show them I've written something new."

I really think I need to stop that mindset and remember the only person I need to impress is myself. I really believe that if I keep that in mind, it cold be a turning point for me.

While surfing today I found Poppy Z. Brite's journal, and she said something along the lines of "If you need to convince yourself that you should be writing, there  must be something wrong with your relationship with your writing."  

I should copy that quote down, because it makes perfect sense to me. One shouldn't need to convince oneself that they should be writing.  They should feel that desire and drive so deeply that it just happens automatically.  You should really need to convince yourself NOT to write because you are doing it so much that you are neglecting your other priorities.

That's what I've been doing, though – always thinking, "Man, I need to make some time to write."  In reality, I should NEED to write so badly that I don't think twice about it.  It does seem like my focus is all wrong – like I'm censoring my normal self in order to come off a certain way – a way that impresses, that portrays a certain personality.  Maybe that is why my writing has stalled.  I'm not being my true self.  

It's strange how a few days of paying attention to my feelings has given me my motivation back – to feel the desire to create again – or, really… to ALLOW myself to feel that desire.